someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
