did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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