I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
