i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I understand Curling. That high.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
