One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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