i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
