i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
