Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
