I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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