She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pants are for mortals
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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