Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Randomize
