I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
