I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
