I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
