dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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