you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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