i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
