just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
