i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
