Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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