his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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