1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
