i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
