That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
