dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
