You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
