Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
