the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
