If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
