I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
