I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
