The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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