i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
