i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
