Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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