i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
