ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's never too late to be topless.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
