9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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