Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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