I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
