the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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