Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
