Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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