I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
