Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
