if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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