haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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