I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
