Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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