I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
