i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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