Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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