I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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