Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
