broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
