A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
