This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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