Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Operation Purity has been aborted
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
