The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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