So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
