somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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