I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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